If external circumstances aren’t the major determinant, what is?
Both Seligman and Foster and Hicks in How We Choose to Be Happy have found in their research that we bring happiness to ourselves by making a contribution to others, offering them our caring and generosity. Buddhist teachings have been pointing this out for centuries: the key to a fulfilling life is compassionate action.
However, the sublime state of compassion, sometimes defined as “the quivering of the heart in response to suffering,” requires suffering. Suffering is not sublime, of course. But the caring it evokes in us is. The near enemy of compassion is pity, which disguises as compassion, but is actually a contracted state containing aversion. With true compassion the heart remains open. Of course, keeping our hearts open in the face of suffering or when things don’t go as we would like takes patience and practice.
While we can cultivate compassion over time, it turns out that we’re actually wired up for empathy. Modern neuroscience has discovered what are called “mirror neurons” in our brain. The same brain cells that light up when your finger is jabbed with a pin also light up when you observe someone else’s finger being jabbed. The joy that comes with expressing our compassion and caring has a physiological basis. For example, the Vagus nerve filled with oxytocin receptors, the feel-good hormone, is activated when we perform or even see acts of kindness.
It is also a bold act of courage to be compassionate because it hurts to care. Choosing to love in the face of pain IS courage. Being willing to keep the heart open in the face of fear, grief, rage, and overwhelm builds muscles of courage. It’s understandable to be angry at the injustices and ignorance that cause so much suffering. We can become angry because we care. It breaks the heart. The question is do we act out of anger or love? How can I put love into action? Cynicism is a defense against the fact that the heart cares so much. We can choose which place to act from, and come from fierce compassion.
“I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones
among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to
serve.”
Albert Schweitzer
