Awakening Joy Course - September

The topic for this month is Connection with Others. Last month we focused on developing a healthy connection with ourselves, the most important relationship of all. This month we turn towards how to connect meaningfully with others - this includes not only people close to us, but everyone we encounter in our lives. Some specific practices that enhance this include:

1. Extending loving-kindness or metta towards others
2. Forgiveness
3. Cultivating a spirit of playfulness

Here is the basic loving-kindness practice. You can do this internally as a meditative exercise or silently, when you are with others during your daily activities.
1. Formulate an image of the person to whom you wish to send metta and reflect on their good qualities.
2. Send them these kinds of thoughts: May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you be free.
3. Pay attention to how it feels in your body or mind to wish them well.

The Power of Forgiveness: The Doorway to an Open Heart
Even with those closest to us—sometimes especially with those closest to us—frustration and anger can be triggered in a moment, when our expectations aren’t met. When this happens, one practice that supports greater connection is forgiveness.

True forgiveness is based on understanding why people act unskillfully. Although someone’s actions may seem bizarre to us, they make sense to that person. According to the Dalai Lama, an essential component of compassion is realizing that the other person’s words and actions are not about you, but about their internal reality, which has intersected with yours.

• Dr. Fred Luskin, Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says that the person who benefits most from our forgiveness is ourselves. We are the ones who suffer when our hearts are closed in anger. It is said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will get sick.
• It sometimes helps to see that person as a small child doing the best they can and being caught up in his/her own habits of fear or confusion. A key to forgiveness is empathic understanding. Realizing how conditioning makes people to do hurtful things, we can forgive the confusion that led to an unskillful response and begin to replace anger with compassion. Try saying phrases like, “I forgive your confusion.”

Connection through Playfulness, Fun and Laughter
We experience a powerful connection with others when we’re having fun and letting ourselves be playful. Besides feeling close to them, it is one of the most important ways to reduce stress and get out of our heads. Playfulness and humor are crucial elements of our nature; we can enjoy life by lightening up.

• Laughter triggers catecholamines in the brain that heighten alertness. Laughter releases endorphins, the body's natural pain killer. Laughter cleanses the body of the stress hormone cortisol, lowering blood pressure, reducing stress and increasing pain tolerance. Laughter's alternating contraction-relaxation of the diaphragm releases tension in the body, bringing our autonomic nervous system into balance. (The physiological effects of a good session of laughter can last up to 45 minutes.)
• Laughter increases the flow of blood and oxygen through our coronary arteries, reducing the risk of heart disease and stroke. Laughter staves off the anxiety and depression that can severely impact heart functioning. Laughter mitigates the damaging effects of inflammation, reducing the pain of arthritis. Laughter strengthens the immune system, helping the body fight off viruses and cancer. Laughter helps stabilize blood sugar levels in diabetics. Laughter improves respiratory functioning in patients with chronic lung disease. Laughter even burns calories.

Compassion Towards Others Makes us Feel Good
Dacher Keltner, UC Professor of Psychology, who runs the UC Greater Good Science Center and is also the author of Born to Be Good, a wonderful user-friendly book with loads of interesting research on the science of well-being. He believes that humans are biologically wired for goodness and compassion.

To support this, he points out the Vagus nerve which runs from the brain stem to the abdomen and has many physiological effects on well-being including triggering the Parasympathetic Nervous System. It is activated by compassion. The Vagus nerve is loaded up with Oxytocin receptors and controls production of this “feel good” neuro-peptide. Oxytocin is released through touch, hugs and seeing others be kind to each other and is designed by evolution to make us take care of and trust others. These, along with mirror neurons, mentioned earlier, make the strong case that we are physiologically capable of spreading goodness to one another through our own behavior.